Stop telling kids to be good.

Years ago, on a daily basis, you would have heard me tell my sweet young daughter, "Be good in preschool today!" or "Be good for the babysitter!".

Sealed with a hug, kiss, and walked out the door.

It's a parent script that downloads into our brains upon child bearing - ready to play at any moment's notice when you want your kids to behave.

They seem like harmless words.
But they're not.

I was creating a monster.

Not in my daughter. For my daughter.

The monster has a name.
Shame.

Shame whispers lies that say what you do is who you are. No room for mistakes. No room for regrets. Be perfect. If you're not, you're bad. Which in time equates to You're unworthy. You're unloveable. You're not good enough.

After reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly, I was challenged to consider how I, as a parent, am introducing shame to my child, even as young as 3 years old.

Realizing how destructive shame is, I started changing my script.

Instead of urging my daughters to be good, I encourage them
to make good decisions.

"Make good decisions in school today, sweet pea!"

This played out a few weeks ago when my 5 year old came to me tentative and nervous. She did something bad. After confessing, she looked up at me with her beautiful green eyes and asked me if she was a bad girl.

Honestly, instantly, and joyfully I reminded her that she is, and always will be, a good girl. 'I'll love you no matter what.' With a relieved smile, she walked herself to timeout.

Bad decisions have consequences but I won't let them define, haunt, or shame my daughters.

They'll grow up knowing nothing they can do makes them unworthy of my love.

Thank God we are not the sum of our poor decisions!