Weeping over sex education and our divisions
Ernest Doroszuk - Toronto Sun
Exactly one week ago, I became an emotional wreck.
I wept all day long. I wept in a private Facetime conversation with my mom about important soul things. I wept during a Facebook Live conversation with my unlikely friend Missy. I wept in my Instagram stories (trying to keep it real). And I wept silently in my bed that night.
The depths of my soul felt weepy.
Mostly because of the conversation with Missy. If you haven’t watched us, Missy and I jump on Facebook Live every month to have an unplanned conversation about all things divisive, misunderstood, controversial, taboo and messy – often having opposing viewpoints (with a few startling moments of complete agreement!).
Why on earth would we do this, especially when we have different faith practices, sexualities, life experiences, and political positions? It’s because we whole-heartedly agree with Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt, who write:
"Viewpoint diversity is necessary for the development of critical thinking, while viewpoint homogeneity (whether on the left or the right) leaves a community vulnerable to groupthink and orthodoxy."
But last Friday’s conversation put me over the edge, at least emotionally.
We talked about sex education curriculum in my school district.
For super brief context, this year the state of Oregon approved sex education curriculum (for middle schoolers) created by Amaze.org that includes new topics on gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation in a lesson titled Who I Am.
This created a polarizing effect in our community with some parents relieved that (finally) LGBTQ youth will feel validated, while other parents were concerned that the curriculum created a moral dilemma when classroom instruction opposed their personal beliefs. There is also concern by some that Amaze.org is a left-wing organization that doesn’t represent the diverse thoughts of our community (about half our district votes conservative and half vote liberal).
If you’re starting to feel your blood boil, deep breath.
Our conversation Friday turned emotional when we began discussing the oppression of LGBTQ youth and how judgement and condemnation, particularly from the faith community, impacts their perceptions of self-worth. Tragically, this results in startling rates of self-harm within the LGBTQ youth community.
This is a difficult emotionally-charged conversation but it’s not a two-sided conversation.
I know it totally seems that way. You’re either for LGBTQ youth or you’re not. Period. Well friends, that’s binary thinking. And it’s not reality. This topic may seem black and white, two kinds of people pitted against each other, but that’s a lie. A big destructive painful lie.
This conversation is nuanced.
I’m asking you for a huge favor, perhaps seemingly impossible. I'm asking that you stop seeing opposing viewpoints as threats to your dignity, freedom, beliefs, and identity, just for a moment. For a moment, I need you to instead choose empathy. I’m not asking you to endorse opposing views - I’m asking you to seek to understand. Empathy, not endorsement.
Because ultimately we don’t need to agree with each other - we need to care about each other.
After last week’s Facebook conversation, I had a weepy parent look me in the eyes and ask if I’m going to help protect their gay child. I told them earnestly that I’d do my absolute best, in words and action, to honor their child’s dignity.
And they believed me.
Despite their pain and concern, they saw my intention. But not just my intention – my commitment to love well.
They didn’t require that I change my core beliefs - my personal conviction that God intended intimate relationship to be between men and women and that He created us as binary genders as part of His sovereign design. They didn’t ask me to denounce my identity as a believer - they asked me if I could and would love their child no matter what. Not because I should, but because their child is absolutely worthy of love.
Yes. Always yes.
This is where we start, friends.
We choose to put down our pitchforks and fears and instead choose love. To everyone. Always.
Which means for many of us with religious convictions, we have to ask ourselves an important question.
Why aren’t we weeping for LGBTQ youth who feel condemned and alienated?
I hear us say, ‘Of course we love them’, but how do you show it? Is that honest in your gut? Is it reflected in your tone and the language you use? Can people see your love? Because if you say you’re all about love but your sentence continues with ‘but….…’, that’s not love.
If we're grounded in love and empathy, I'd like to get specific about the curriculum itself. I don’t think it’s helpful to stay vague. While I don’t represent all people that share my faith, I’m hoping my attempt to dig through where I appreciate the curriculum and where I believe it oversteps, is helpful. (Context: Although my children are not in middle school yet, my comments assume that this will be their curriculum in a few short years.)
1. The lesson immediately instructs students that everyone is to be respected in this deeply personal conversation about sexuality.
I appreciate my children hearing this right from the get-go. Right on.
2. Gender identity is an internal sense of who you are, and that sometimes people feel like their physical bodies don’t match how they feel. This means they may identify as transgender.
I appreciate my children understanding this.
Which is why I felt so misunderstood when someone commented on our Facebook live, "You cannot, in the same breath, say 'I love these children' and 'I will reject curriculum that affirms their existence.'" I did not and am not suggesting we don't affirm their existence. Quite the opposite.
But the curriculum goes further.
It shows a cartoon video where a boy goes into a dressing room comes out wearing boy clothes but feeling very uncomfortable. When he returns to the dressing room and comes out in a dress and changes names from Charles to Charlotte, she’s finally happy.
This makes me nervous. If my child feels uncomfortable in certain clothes or doesn’t fit gender stereotypes, will they doubt their gender identity?
More concerning is that we’re educating a generation to believe that truth is revealed in our feelings - truths as important as identities. And while I understand this is a popular trend in our current culture (Trust yourself! Do whatever makes you happy!), ultimately I think this mindset is dangerous and causes more confusion.
Emotions are important. We can't choose them. But I don't think they should inform big decisions. Emotions are too fickle.
To those of you who disagree with me, I understand.
3. Gender fluid, gender queer, or gender nonconforming is when people don’t feel like they fit the two gender categories of male or female.
I appreciate my children understanding these terms.
4. Gender expression is how people express their gender. For example, one boy has short hair and wears pants while another boy has long hair and wears a skirt.
I so appreciate my children understanding this. I loath gender stereotypes. When my girls say ‘Why does so-and-so boy have long hair like a girl?” my response is “Why not!? Why can’t boys have long hair, paint their nails and wear dresses?" In fact, I showed them a picture of Billy Porter wearing a beautiful velvet black dress to the Oscars this year. Why not.
I’d even personally speculate that we’d have less gender confusion if we didn’t have these oppressive and harmful stereotypes.
5. Sexual orientation is when someone identifies as lesbian, gay, and bisexual.
I appreciate my children understanding this.
I see zero value in my two daughters not knowing or understanding about the diverse people around them: transgendered, gender fluid, or gay. I purposely don’t avoid these conversations in our house. My daughters know that girls can marry girls (and boys, boys) in our country. They also know what I personally think about marriage but our tone is never condemning or unkind. My daughters also hear me clearly say that, although we may differ on this topic, we have more things in common than we have differences. LGBTQ people are not the ‘others’.
But the curriculum shifts.
The instructional video goes from informing of sexual orientations to evaluating them. 'You can be whatever you want to be. You are perfect the way you are.' While this is a kind, inclusive message, it conflicts with my personal conviction about the sovereign design of our bodies.
I understand if you disagree.
6. Finally, the lesson ends with a 12-minute activity: Myth or Fact.
Students hear statements and then evaluate them by holding up a sign in front of the group that says Myth or Fact. This is concerning to me on so many levels: social pressure, using these binary terms of only ‘Myth’ and ‘Fact’, shifting from informing to qualifying/evaluating etc.
Here are the specific statements and my personal reactions. You may be surprised.
#1 People can choose their sexual orientation.
The curriculum’s ‘correct’ answer: Myth. (It’s not a choice. It’s the way you are.)
My personal belief: Myth and Truth (For me, it’s nuanced, but I won’t unpack that here)
#2 People can choose their gender identity.
The curriculum’s ‘correct’ answer: Myth (It’s not a choice. It’s the way you feel you are.)
My personal belief: Myth** (It's biological)
#3 People can choose their gender expression.
The curriculum’s ‘correct’ answer: Fact
My personal belief: Fact
#4:You can usually tell a person’s sexual orientation just by looking at them.
The curriculum’s ‘correct’ answer: Myth (this is stereotyping)
My personal belief: Myth
#5 A girl who is really athletic is either a lesbian or transgender.
The curriculum’s ‘correct’ answer: Myth (stereotyping again)
My personal belief: Myth
I so appreciate this one. Hopefully it eliminates unnecessary confusion/doubt of a heterosexual athletic girl, like my daughter.
#6 A person can look like a boy or a man and feel like a girl or woman on the inside.
The curriculum’s ‘correct’ answer: Fact (for example, Caitlyn Jenner)
My personal belief: Fact** (Yes, they can feel this way...)
#7 A person can know their sexual orientation without ever doing anything sexual with another person.
The curriculum’s ‘correct’ answer: Fact (Attractions and feelings aren’t behaviors)
My personal belief: Fact
#8 There are more than just two genders.
The curriculum’s ‘correct’ answer: Fact (Genders fall on a spectrum)
My personal belief: Myth
#9 A person’s family can have a big impact on their beliefs and attitudes towards people of different identities and sexual orientations.
The curriculum’s ‘correct’ answer: Fact (From families, religions, communities, cultures)
My personal belief: Fact
I so appreciate they include here the importance of respecting all people of all backgrounds.
#10 The media (TV Music magazines) have no impact on how society views transgender, gay or lesbian people.
The curriculum’s ‘correct’ answer: Myth (Media gives messages how to view people but they’re not dependable sources. They’re often inaccurate, including gross stereotyping of LGBTQ characters)
My personal belief: Myth
As you can see, I only disagree with 1 out of the 10 statements above, but indeed, 1 important one.
Rightfully, some of you might be thinking, ‘If you don’t like the curriculum, opt out!”
It’s true that families of any religion or background can opt out of the sex education program. But here’s the problem with asking people like me to remove ourselves from the conversation: you’re silencing us. We want to be involved in our childrens’ education, just like you. We want representation. We want to influence the curriculum choices. We want a seat at the table.
I expressed these feeling on the Facebook Live conversation and one commenter remarked, "You don't have a seat at the table. Now [you conservative] women are beginning to feel how these kids have always felt."
Similarly, another commenter wrote (in response to my sharing that I felt it was unfair that people assumed I don’t love LGBTQ youth because of what I believe about sovereign design), “I propose it is more unfair for children to believe that their lives don’t have value because adults believe they are an abomination.”
Which actually brings me to the last point I want to make.
Our knee-jerk reaction is to compare our judgments, fears, or injustices.
When I expressed how unfair it felt for people to say I was to blame for LGBTQ youth wanting to hurt themselves, people said it was MORE unfair that these youth doubt their worth because of people like me. When I talk to conservative people, some say “It’s so unfair that they judge us the way they don’t want to be judged!”
FRIENDS! Did you catch that!?
You’re revealing a very fundamental critical truth that unifies us, not divides us.
We have solidarity.
We are all protecting our core convictions. We are all passionately defending our identities. Instead of comparing them, now we can truly empathize - we’re actually feeling the same feels. Fear. Judgement. Isolation. Condemnation. And solidarity is powerful when realized.
With that said, not all pain is equal.
Cisgendered people (who’s physical gender matches their felt gender) have always had more power. Period. There’s no if, ands, or buts about that. There is a long ugly terrifying history of gross hate against LGBTQ people. That’s an important layer to their pain. Just because things have shifted dramatically in the last 10 years does not undo this history. It still contributes to stigma, fear and shame.
If you’ve thought ‘Ya but move on. You have more rights now”, you’re not getting it. Put yourself in their shoes.
Point being, our suffering is not the same. Our fears don’t have the same impact (rates of self-harm in our respective communities are not the same).
I appreciated one commenter that wrote, “People of power must protect the vulnerable.”
Yes, indeed. Solidarity and empathetic action.
Obviously, this conversation isn’t over.
The debate is still roaring. People are still misunderstood, hurt, and defensive. It’s still messy, concerning, and unresolved. But let’s end on this...
We all love our children. Dearly. Enough to engage in this painful, charged debate.
We value education. We want our children to be informed.
We want to protect our children from condemnation, bullying, and judgement.
We want our children to honor each other, no matter what. (This starts with us – the example we’re setting – and I think we’re failing them, big time).
Solidarity and empathy don’t solve problems but they do set the table for everyone to be honored.
Let’s start there.