What took me 8 years to learn as a wife...

I've learned a thing or two about being a wife in the last 8 years. Mostly by trial and error.

1. Don't force your husband to go somewhere he doesn't want to go.

He will be miserable. You will be miserable. I speak from experience when I say it's a lose-lose situation.

(1st Anniversary)

2. Be strategic what you ask of him.

  He will be more inclined to do what you ask if you don't ask for much often. Weigh what's worth asking for. Be choosy. Took me 7 years to learn this...

3. Timing is everything. 

If Jake's had a bad day, I don't ask for anything or bring up any hot-button issues. This may seem simple, but when you're not a very patient person (like myself), having the self-control to wait, when something might be burning you up, is hard to do!

(2nd Anniversary)

5. I lied... Approach is everything.

"It's not what you say but how you say it." Someone smart made that up. They're right.

6. Feed him first before you 'want to talk'.

You know what they say to a man's heart... (I'm totally serious about this).

(3rd Anniversary)

7. Know the difference between a moral issue and a nonmoral issue.

Is it serious, with serious consequences, or is it just an irritation or dislike? This will help you discern which battle to choose.

8.  Oh ya... choose your battles.

Along the same lines as number 2.

(4th Anniversary)

9. Stop crying.

I always thought Jake was mean for saying that my tears made things worse. But one day my counselor asked me why I was so emotional. Guess Jake wasn't the only one who noticed. I don't think crying is bad. But I've learned to talk things out when I'm not so emotional, or if I start to flood the room, I know now to take a break and calm down.

10. Having fun is important

People say to never stop dating, especially after having kids. They were so right. Couples need to have more fun; nights where issues are put on the back-burner (no matter how big) and you simply enjoy each other. This was difficult for me in our hardest seasons (felt like I was pretending to be okay) but I realized quickly that having fun together was vital to the health of our marriage.

*sometimes fun means surprise anniversary trips to Vegas

11. Just tell him what you want

Early on I told Jake that on anniversaries and birthdays all I want is a card with a thoughtful hand-written note inside. Why make them guess? Just spell it out from day one, and gently remind them if necessary.

12. Make home a good place to be

I am not a feminist. In fact, I have a hard time not fuming when I read feminist theories. That's just me. But I believe that having a clean house, with dinner ready when Jake comes home, and genuinely caring about his day, makes our home a better place to be. I want him to look forward to being home every single day.

(5th Anniversary)

13. Don't compare.

A book (I highly recommend!) shared a story of one wife saying to another, "Your husband plays with your kids and is so hands-on. I wish mine was like that." And the woman responded, "Ya but your husband has a great job and provides for your family while mine doesn't have a strong work ethic..." You get the point. Zoom out and see clearly the positive things your partner does or traits they have. Comparing is a waste of time. No partner is perfect, including those to seem to 'have it all'. They don't.

14. Find that 'other' couple.

 If you and your partner are fairly different, so might your friends. But look for that other couple that you both are 100% comfortable around. And then vacation with them. Sometimes you need some guy time and girl time - even on vacation!

(Aruba with the Clarks)

15. Adapt

In our early years, Jake and I would road trip a lot. We quickly learned that Jake likes the truck cold. And I hate being cold. You'd think I'd learn to adapt instead of getting in an argument every time we got in the car. Finally I realized I should just bring a blanket or sweatshirt. Duh.

16. Go to counseling before you're broken in pieces

Marriage counseling isn't for the weak. It's for the intentional. Our pastor ages ago said, "You will never drift towards intimacy/a good relationship'. Seek guidance proactively, not reactively.

(6th Anniversary)

17. The best thing you can give your spouse is a whole you.

If I'm broken, worn, weary, and not seeking God's help and guidance in my life, I am short-changing Jake of a good wife. When I prioritize my health, in all ways, I am better for him. We are better when I am better.

18. Have guy-time/girl-time.

There are some things your spouse will never be for you. He should have guy time. I should have girl time. It's better for the both of us!

(7th Anniversary)

Crazy how 18 things immediately came to mind right now. I'm sure I'm missing a bunch. What would you add?